So tonight I attended the Easter Vigil mass at my church. I had a solo, called the Exsultet. It is a (very) long proclamation about the Lord ascension into heaven and it is sung A-Capella. I was very humbled by the many positive responses I received from the choir and the congregation. I heard that it is not an easy piece of music to sing, and with the choir director silent on the ivories, it made it all the more challenging. I feel that I prepared for it well... Ever since I was told that I was going to do the Exsultet, before Ash Wednesday, I practiced ever since. Practiced during Lent, and every day of Holy Week. I did not want to disappoint the director, the choir, and the members of the church... But especially the director and the choir. Even though I sing with them I feel so moved by the others, especially those called to do solos. It is not easy for any of them, they sing so beautifully. The Exsultet was the least I could do to show them and everyone I have met in church, from the elders to the young adults my appreciation and thanks.
When I sung it, I felt like everyone sung it with me. The pastor, the choir, the people in the pews. God was definitely with me tonight, as God always is... But tonight he made sure I knew that God was with me... I did not miss a single note!
I do plan on finishing off this Holy Week by going to church tomorrow to celebrate Easter. But after Easter, the daily masses cease, I return to my normal pre-Ash Wednesday daily regimen, which definitely includes an earlier work time.
Also, and folks knew that this was a LONG TIME COMING........... The facial hair is gone. And people will start seeing me without my glasses more often. Get used to it, because the new me is here to stay for awhile!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Good Friday
So today was Good Friday, and there were not a lot of people at work. I was surprised to see a meeting on this day. I was like "OF ALL THE FRIDAYS!?!?!" Of course I could not make it, because I was going through a home inspection. It is not often that work and life clash on a work day, but this was one of them, and life won. But there were many other clashes where work won, so this is a victory for the life aspect of me, hehe. I also went to church and sung with the choir. Tomorrow is the Easter Vigil, and I will be doing the Exultet, the Easter Proclamation, an A-Capella solo. I have been practicing all Lent for this, and I am going to nail it. I wish my mom was here to hear me sing this.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Not going home anytime soon
So yessm, I am still at work, but I did get a little bit of a reprieve earlier this evening. I went to church, and I enjoyed dinner with great people. It sucks I have to come back to work, but I have to get a lot of stuff done. I have no idea when I will be going home tonight, or if I can even come in at 6 in the morning. I am going to have to play this one close. I have so much going on outside of work tomorrow (Good Friday).
Pray for me.
Pray for me.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Apr 8, 2009
Yea, I do not have an original title for today's entry. Maybe because I can not really think. I feel pulled in a lot of directions. I wish I could be in several places at once, or a day's length to be longer than 24 hours. I will be going into work tomorrow very early. I need to go to bed now.
Monday, April 6, 2009
NCAA BBall Championship Tonight!
Tonight is the NCAA Mens BBall Championship. My bracket is utterly shattered with Pitt losing to Villanova. And it seems like UNC is on the march for yet another NCAA title. Can MSU stop them? I do not see how they can, but I will still root for them, for the Big 10. I just hope that they keep it manageable. If UNC gets a lead, it is over.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Palm Sunday - The Lenten Aftermath - Holy Week!
This year was one of the more challenging Lenten years, and now that Lent is officially over I can talk about some of the things that I have done. Over the past couple of years, I would give up some (one) food item, like rice, or bread, or sweets, or pop, or something else, something easy. I used college as an excuse to give up something marginal and not challenging. This year I did not want to do that. I wanted to not only give up stuff, but commit myself to things I never really committed myself to doing before.
So the first thing I did was this: I wrote a list of all my favorite foods that I loved to eat, and I crossed them ALL out. When I was done, I realized that I had eliminated every form of meat, dairy, pop, and anything else or everything else that was produced by an animal. I went Vegan for Lent, something I was far away from ever becoming. In addition to going Vegan, I did give up rice and white bread, foods I eat constantly getting through my day.
The second thing I did was this: I fasted for all of Lent. Now according to fasting rules, you get 2 small meals and 1 large one, and I think the 2 small meals cant be equal (or maybe they can) to the 1 large meal. This was challenging because before Ash Wednesday, I was eating several meals a day, but they were all healthy foods and it helped me with my exercise regimen. Simply put, ever since I arrived here last year, I exercised constantly, and ate several meals a day, and I reduced that number to three. I had no idea what to expect.
The third thing I did, from Ash Wednesday to Palm Sunday (and maybe beyond into Holy Week) was going to church... Every, single, day. When the layoffs hit (before Lent), and work was becoming more and more challenging and demanding, I did not find the time to read my bible. Sometimes when I have the little booklet of the daily readings, I would read that, but I was very inconsistent with it. So I decided to change that. I figured, if I forced myself to go to God's house every day during this period I would get my spiritual food and feel the reinforcement that God is working in my life every day whether I am consciously aware of it or not. So number 3 on the Lent list: Go to church everyday for 40 days.
So in addition to going to Mass everyday, giving up all my desired food(s) for Lent, and fasting, I also participated in the Caterpillar Challenge. It is based off a series of books, in which for Lent, the young adult group used Book 1. It is a modern day rendition of the Old Testament Book of Job, of course with some minor changes. But the study throughout the series was over the Book of Job. The Caterpillar Challenge made me take a hard look at myself as I progressed through my Lenten Journey, especially when it comes to basic moral teachings between right and wrong, good and evil, and obedience and acts.
The caterpillar knows two things: obedience and acts. When it is born, it starts to eat leaves as it is directed to by God. It obeys. It does not matter the type of leaf. And it does not care if it is eating from the leaves of our most prized shrubs, bushes, or trees or from plants we care nothing for. It eats during the heat of the day, the coldness of night, through the wind, rain, fire, and storms. Then at some point, the caterpillar spins a cocoon, lies in it, rests, and goes through a metamorphosis. It is changing from the inside so that when it emerges from its cocoon, you see a beautiful butterfly, outward and true beauty from a creature that made a change from within.
I did not realize what the leaves truly represented until after the very end of the caterpillar challenge. Yea, I am late like that, or slow, take your pick. I did not have this epiphany until I was in the middle of making palm crosses for essentially the entire parish today! LOL. The leaves represented the word of God. Well, at least to me it represented the word of God. Now the caterpillar ate those leaves regardless of the situation or scenario, it obeyed and acted accordingly. So that is what I need to strive for. Getting fed those leaves, getting fed the word, getting fed through church, through the church community, getting fed through prayer. These are my leaves, and I am sure there are more that I am just not naming for now, because the previously mentioned are the ones that strike out to me the most! The question for me is, what will I do when the day gets hot? or cold? or when the storms of life begin to rage in my life. Will I run into the masters arms as it is sung in "Safety" or will I take matters into my own hands? Will I still allow myself to be fed the leaves to find and gain wisdom during those tough times, or will I let ambition and selfishness lead me on the path to yet another act of sin?
Am I a true caterpillar? No. Will I ever be a true caterpillar? No. I do believe that I will have Caterpillar moments. Moments where I am getting fed, and getting it! Like truly understanding the word. Truly understanding the priest's homily. Moments where I am lying down in prayer thanking and praising God, in all things that happen to me, good and bad. And moments where the word is truly being exercised through understanding, through my own words, and through my own actions (thats the butterfly stage).
And to this date, the last 'caterpillar' moment I had was the day I helped the elderly man at the credit union go through several doors in front of other men and women who could have done the same but just stood there and watched the elder struggle. If you would like to know more about this story, please read the note on "Southern Inhospitality."
So why did I go through all of this? Or why did I do this to myself, because most of the things I did is not traditional faith practice (especially the daily fasting)? I did it just to see if I could. To push myself to a limit to see how far I can go before I crack! Problem is, I did not crack! I still can not believe I made it through! I did it to see if by doing this, I could get some divine inspiration towards understanding why I was alone and felt so lonely when I arrived here, and why those feelings stuck with me for a very long time. To see if I can get some clarification by the fasting, by the sacrificing of my favorite foods, and by my daily commitment to church, and through the caterpillar challenge...
Career wise, coming here was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Outside of work, this was a death sentence. Socially, I literally knew no one in my age range, except for a couple of engineers that I knew from a previous work location at an earlier point in life, but even then, we hardly ever hung out. But I did know of others, many years my elder, some married, some married with children, living their lives, and encouraging me to live my own. But my life was back in California and Ohio. My friends and family were all there. When I arrived here, I was single, alone, and lonely, and trust me, it was a horrible feeling, carrying that sense day in and day out for the first couple of months. I kept it hidden from everyone I met for a very long time. I had a social life back in Ohio. Everything from dating women to salsa dancing to mentoring... I had a social balance. I came here, and the balance was gone. Every new dateable single lady I met kept giving me the okie-dok, thus causing me to cross them off my list, getting rid of their numbers, and moving on. It was a very disturbing pattern since I did not have this problem in Columbus. I did not know anyone to mentor, so mentoring was out, and I did not know where I could continue my salsa lessons, so they were postponed. And I still did not know anyone here that had Ohio or California ties, and no known family. So I was going to focus primarily on work and exercise, because though I saw coming here as a light at the end of the tunnel career wise, I was still in the dark after the 8 hours were up.
Then I made an effort to becoming more involved with church life, and ended up not as a Lector as I originally thought I would end up becoming, but as a member of a great Choir!
Then I met young adults in my age range and participated in prayer sessions and activities with them.
Then I started exploring my gift of photography and started taking pictures and making "year in review" type video montages of the choir happenings...
Then I found out that one of my good engineering friends from The Ohio State University lives and works here...
Then I found out that a colleague of mine who works in the same department as I at work, is a salsa instructor!
Then I found out that I have a sister lives in the state...
Then I met my sister for the very first time in August, and my nieces and nephews.
Then I found out that my nephew attended/graduated from UNC (but I am still a Duke fan), and my nieces attend a day school in Durham. All of us hung out, continually throughout the year. And my nieces even came to church with me on Sundays.
I wish I could have said here: "Then I met a woman who knew what she had the moment she stared into my eyes, and that lady and I are official." But it would be a false statement.
Though the women I am meeting do not or can not see what they potentially could have had when they give me the okie-dok, their (in)actions no longer confuse nor concern me. I learned that I will only do so much pursuing. When they are interested in spending time with me, we spend time together. When they are no longer interested in spending time with me, I spend it with another and not look or go back! I am learning so much from every encounter, and I keep going, with an open mind and an open heart with every new woman I meet. To treat them all equally with a fair shot even when they do not have that mentality or approach towards me.
In the end, in the present day, I am still single, but I am not alone and I no longer feel lonely. If anything, the Caterpillar Challenge made me realize that I saw being alone and feeling lonely as a curse, something evil and not good that has yet imposed itself on my life. But I do not know if being alone and feeling lonely is ultimately good or bad, because only God has that vantage point. I should strive to be obedient and act according to God's will.
I think I will continue to go to church daily throughout Holy Week, but return to my normal work schedule after Easter. As for the Vegan thing, it is over. The adjustments I had to make to get enough protein in my system to satisfy my weight training did not taste good! I even had to look really close at the label to make sure that whatever supplement I was consuming did not contain dairy! So I am definitely looking forward to going back to eating several small meals a day and reincorporating lean meats back into my diet. The less synthetic protein I take the better in my opinion! But I will say that during the Lenten Journey, I had a ton of energy. And maybe it was the foods I was eating, maybe it was the exercise before and during Lent, maybe it was God, I do not know. All I do know is that there were nights where I was working from 9:00 AM until 10:30 PM, I would go home, go to sleep, and then wake up at 5:00 AM fully charged. That has never happened to me before I gave up all dairy and meats (and sweets) for Lent. Normally I would play the Alarm snooze game (you know, where the alarm goes off, and you hit the button to sleep some more), but when the alarm went off at 5AM, I was out of bed, fully alert, and not yawning or feeling sluggish.
I am sharing this with you because I have never shared my Lent experiences with anyone, period, but I have learned so much not only during my soon-to-be one year here, but during the 40 days and nights of my Lenten commitments. About myself, primarily, and how my outlook of the world keeps evolving to what I feel is a higher state of understanding, through prayer, having the right people in my life, and staying dedicated to the Church.
Now onto my last greatest challenge of the whole Lenten season and Holy Week: The Exultet, My Saturday Easter Vigil Solo. Lord, Help Me!!!
So the first thing I did was this: I wrote a list of all my favorite foods that I loved to eat, and I crossed them ALL out. When I was done, I realized that I had eliminated every form of meat, dairy, pop, and anything else or everything else that was produced by an animal. I went Vegan for Lent, something I was far away from ever becoming. In addition to going Vegan, I did give up rice and white bread, foods I eat constantly getting through my day.
The second thing I did was this: I fasted for all of Lent. Now according to fasting rules, you get 2 small meals and 1 large one, and I think the 2 small meals cant be equal (or maybe they can) to the 1 large meal. This was challenging because before Ash Wednesday, I was eating several meals a day, but they were all healthy foods and it helped me with my exercise regimen. Simply put, ever since I arrived here last year, I exercised constantly, and ate several meals a day, and I reduced that number to three. I had no idea what to expect.
The third thing I did, from Ash Wednesday to Palm Sunday (and maybe beyond into Holy Week) was going to church... Every, single, day. When the layoffs hit (before Lent), and work was becoming more and more challenging and demanding, I did not find the time to read my bible. Sometimes when I have the little booklet of the daily readings, I would read that, but I was very inconsistent with it. So I decided to change that. I figured, if I forced myself to go to God's house every day during this period I would get my spiritual food and feel the reinforcement that God is working in my life every day whether I am consciously aware of it or not. So number 3 on the Lent list: Go to church everyday for 40 days.
So in addition to going to Mass everyday, giving up all my desired food(s) for Lent, and fasting, I also participated in the Caterpillar Challenge. It is based off a series of books, in which for Lent, the young adult group used Book 1. It is a modern day rendition of the Old Testament Book of Job, of course with some minor changes. But the study throughout the series was over the Book of Job. The Caterpillar Challenge made me take a hard look at myself as I progressed through my Lenten Journey, especially when it comes to basic moral teachings between right and wrong, good and evil, and obedience and acts.
The caterpillar knows two things: obedience and acts. When it is born, it starts to eat leaves as it is directed to by God. It obeys. It does not matter the type of leaf. And it does not care if it is eating from the leaves of our most prized shrubs, bushes, or trees or from plants we care nothing for. It eats during the heat of the day, the coldness of night, through the wind, rain, fire, and storms. Then at some point, the caterpillar spins a cocoon, lies in it, rests, and goes through a metamorphosis. It is changing from the inside so that when it emerges from its cocoon, you see a beautiful butterfly, outward and true beauty from a creature that made a change from within.
I did not realize what the leaves truly represented until after the very end of the caterpillar challenge. Yea, I am late like that, or slow, take your pick. I did not have this epiphany until I was in the middle of making palm crosses for essentially the entire parish today! LOL. The leaves represented the word of God. Well, at least to me it represented the word of God. Now the caterpillar ate those leaves regardless of the situation or scenario, it obeyed and acted accordingly. So that is what I need to strive for. Getting fed those leaves, getting fed the word, getting fed through church, through the church community, getting fed through prayer. These are my leaves, and I am sure there are more that I am just not naming for now, because the previously mentioned are the ones that strike out to me the most! The question for me is, what will I do when the day gets hot? or cold? or when the storms of life begin to rage in my life. Will I run into the masters arms as it is sung in "Safety" or will I take matters into my own hands? Will I still allow myself to be fed the leaves to find and gain wisdom during those tough times, or will I let ambition and selfishness lead me on the path to yet another act of sin?
Am I a true caterpillar? No. Will I ever be a true caterpillar? No. I do believe that I will have Caterpillar moments. Moments where I am getting fed, and getting it! Like truly understanding the word. Truly understanding the priest's homily. Moments where I am lying down in prayer thanking and praising God, in all things that happen to me, good and bad. And moments where the word is truly being exercised through understanding, through my own words, and through my own actions (thats the butterfly stage).
And to this date, the last 'caterpillar' moment I had was the day I helped the elderly man at the credit union go through several doors in front of other men and women who could have done the same but just stood there and watched the elder struggle. If you would like to know more about this story, please read the note on "Southern Inhospitality."
So why did I go through all of this? Or why did I do this to myself, because most of the things I did is not traditional faith practice (especially the daily fasting)? I did it just to see if I could. To push myself to a limit to see how far I can go before I crack! Problem is, I did not crack! I still can not believe I made it through! I did it to see if by doing this, I could get some divine inspiration towards understanding why I was alone and felt so lonely when I arrived here, and why those feelings stuck with me for a very long time. To see if I can get some clarification by the fasting, by the sacrificing of my favorite foods, and by my daily commitment to church, and through the caterpillar challenge...
Career wise, coming here was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Outside of work, this was a death sentence. Socially, I literally knew no one in my age range, except for a couple of engineers that I knew from a previous work location at an earlier point in life, but even then, we hardly ever hung out. But I did know of others, many years my elder, some married, some married with children, living their lives, and encouraging me to live my own. But my life was back in California and Ohio. My friends and family were all there. When I arrived here, I was single, alone, and lonely, and trust me, it was a horrible feeling, carrying that sense day in and day out for the first couple of months. I kept it hidden from everyone I met for a very long time. I had a social life back in Ohio. Everything from dating women to salsa dancing to mentoring... I had a social balance. I came here, and the balance was gone. Every new dateable single lady I met kept giving me the okie-dok, thus causing me to cross them off my list, getting rid of their numbers, and moving on. It was a very disturbing pattern since I did not have this problem in Columbus. I did not know anyone to mentor, so mentoring was out, and I did not know where I could continue my salsa lessons, so they were postponed. And I still did not know anyone here that had Ohio or California ties, and no known family. So I was going to focus primarily on work and exercise, because though I saw coming here as a light at the end of the tunnel career wise, I was still in the dark after the 8 hours were up.
Then I made an effort to becoming more involved with church life, and ended up not as a Lector as I originally thought I would end up becoming, but as a member of a great Choir!
Then I met young adults in my age range and participated in prayer sessions and activities with them.
Then I started exploring my gift of photography and started taking pictures and making "year in review" type video montages of the choir happenings...
Then I found out that one of my good engineering friends from The Ohio State University lives and works here...
Then I found out that a colleague of mine who works in the same department as I at work, is a salsa instructor!
Then I found out that I have a sister lives in the state...
Then I met my sister for the very first time in August, and my nieces and nephews.
Then I found out that my nephew attended/graduated from UNC (but I am still a Duke fan), and my nieces attend a day school in Durham. All of us hung out, continually throughout the year. And my nieces even came to church with me on Sundays.
I wish I could have said here: "Then I met a woman who knew what she had the moment she stared into my eyes, and that lady and I are official." But it would be a false statement.
Though the women I am meeting do not or can not see what they potentially could have had when they give me the okie-dok, their (in)actions no longer confuse nor concern me. I learned that I will only do so much pursuing. When they are interested in spending time with me, we spend time together. When they are no longer interested in spending time with me, I spend it with another and not look or go back! I am learning so much from every encounter, and I keep going, with an open mind and an open heart with every new woman I meet. To treat them all equally with a fair shot even when they do not have that mentality or approach towards me.
In the end, in the present day, I am still single, but I am not alone and I no longer feel lonely. If anything, the Caterpillar Challenge made me realize that I saw being alone and feeling lonely as a curse, something evil and not good that has yet imposed itself on my life. But I do not know if being alone and feeling lonely is ultimately good or bad, because only God has that vantage point. I should strive to be obedient and act according to God's will.
I think I will continue to go to church daily throughout Holy Week, but return to my normal work schedule after Easter. As for the Vegan thing, it is over. The adjustments I had to make to get enough protein in my system to satisfy my weight training did not taste good! I even had to look really close at the label to make sure that whatever supplement I was consuming did not contain dairy! So I am definitely looking forward to going back to eating several small meals a day and reincorporating lean meats back into my diet. The less synthetic protein I take the better in my opinion! But I will say that during the Lenten Journey, I had a ton of energy. And maybe it was the foods I was eating, maybe it was the exercise before and during Lent, maybe it was God, I do not know. All I do know is that there were nights where I was working from 9:00 AM until 10:30 PM, I would go home, go to sleep, and then wake up at 5:00 AM fully charged. That has never happened to me before I gave up all dairy and meats (and sweets) for Lent. Normally I would play the Alarm snooze game (you know, where the alarm goes off, and you hit the button to sleep some more), but when the alarm went off at 5AM, I was out of bed, fully alert, and not yawning or feeling sluggish.
I am sharing this with you because I have never shared my Lent experiences with anyone, period, but I have learned so much not only during my soon-to-be one year here, but during the 40 days and nights of my Lenten commitments. About myself, primarily, and how my outlook of the world keeps evolving to what I feel is a higher state of understanding, through prayer, having the right people in my life, and staying dedicated to the Church.
Now onto my last greatest challenge of the whole Lenten season and Holy Week: The Exultet, My Saturday Easter Vigil Solo. Lord, Help Me!!!
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